There are many things throughout the day that surprise me. Nail polish in the carpet, children popping out of random places to scare me, and a pile of wet Pull-ups hidden under the staircase are the first things that come to mind.
But NOTHING surprises me more than the things that have come out of MY mouth since having our daughters.
Here is my most current list of things I never expected myself to say:
7.) “Don’t lick the dog!”
Because, clearly, when pretending to be a dog, one must a) drink out of the dog bowl face first in true canine fashion, b) roughhouse in the floor with said canines while growling, and c) LICK them because, you know, that’s what dogs do.
6.) “Don’t stir the poop around!”
Our girls take their bath together. It’s just what sisters do. AF, upon entering a warm bath, apparently loses all bowel control and almost always poops in the bath water, at which point AG tries to slosh it around until it’s at the furthest possible point from her. What she doesn’t realize is that she basically dissolves it and makes muddy poop water. (Imagine me, gagging, here and Superman laughing uncontrollably at my gag reflex, rendering us both incapable of removing the children from the Muddy Pool Of Excrement while AG screams about the poop and you have quite a scene going on.)
5.) “You cannot have five husbands!”
Yes. I had to tell my three year old his very thing. Her husbands’ names are as follows: Batman, Aladdin, Hans, Cornelius, and Cherry.
Me: AG, you cannot have five husbands. You only get one and you love him and take care of him for the rest of your life.
AG: Yea? Well I already bought TWO for my wedding tomorrow.
So I just tried to convince her that she could, under NO circumstances, marry a man named Cherry. Hopefully this doesn’t backfire.
4.) “You are not a witch!”
Because I am THAT mom. The Bible says witchcraft is real and it’s BAD. So guess who doesn’t get to be a witch? That’s right, AG. Also, because she makes “potions” in my kitchen, which means I have a mixture of blue Kool-Aid, milk, hot chocolate, and random spices dumped all over my counter. I told you nothing good could come of it.
3.) “Don’t pee on your feet!”
Here in the South, we ladies are taught from an early age how to, ah, make due with the resources at hand if restrooms are not accessible. So when my pre-schooler says she needs to potty NOW, we make a pit stop on the side of the road. Teaching an easily-distracted three-year-old this delicate practice is quite a job.
Side note: When teaching a little girl how to make due in the wilderness, it’s important to teach her the circumstances in which this is appropriate. I failed to do this at first and turned back toward the house from getting the mail one day to see AG, pants down, peeing in the front yard. Hey, it’s lady-like if you’re doing it in a princess dress, right?
2.) “Don’t belly flop on Toast!”
We are avid Trekkies. Captain Jonathan Archer had a beagle named Porthos. Porthos was the subject of Superman’s envy, so I bought him the sweetest little beagle that he could name Porthos. AG decided she hated that name. So when asked what she wanted to name him, we assumed she would say something like Brownie or Spot. But, alas, the child is too much like her mother and can’t function inside the box. She named him Toast. And she randomly yells “BELLY FLOP!” and lands on poor, unsuspecting Toast.
I’d like to tell you a story about a courageous fish, who somehow didn’t die from embarrassment at being a male fish named “Elsa.” Elsa came to us at Christmas last year, courtesy of my mom and step-dad, and survived both over-feeding and possible malnourishment in tandem. Proud, tough Elsa finally succombed to the elements (and by elements I mean AG filling his bowl with bread because he was CLEARLY hungry after an entire bottle of fish food) yesterday morning. A quiet (read: secretive) toilet-side service was held in his memory. In absence was AG, who still hasn’t recognized the missing marine life and isn’t aware that he is now living in the sewer with FishJesus.
I’m certain this isn’t the last episode of “Weird Stuff I Say” so please, stay tuned for more.
Love to my loves,