“I’m so sorry. Your hCG levels are decreasing.”
I already knew and yet it hit me like a landslide. Two weeks we had been doing tests and sonograms simply because I Refused to give up hope. We scheduled surgery to remove the baby the next day. As I thought about the past month and the emotional roller coaster we had been on, I could not help but question everything.
Why would God give us a child just to take her away? What had I done? Was it because I cried when I found out we were pregnant? Because I wasn’t ready for another baby? Adeline was only six months old. I couldn’t fathom it. And to be completely honest, I still don’t completely understand.
For the next few weeks all I could do was cry. I’d lie in bed at night wishing I had felt her kick just once. Wishing she were still there. Wishing someone, anyone, would understand. But they didn’t. How could they? They didn’t get to bond with the baby like I had. They didn’t carry her in their body. So they said whatever they could think of because they didn’t know what to say.
Meanwhile, I was drowning. Drowning in what I should have done. What GOD could have done, but didn’t. Didn’t he know I had faith? Didn’t he SEE me begging for her life? Didn’t he care? Did he even hear me?
So I did the only thing I knew to do when someone stops listening: I stopped talking to Him. I stopped praying. I didn’t even say a prayer before eating. Why should I thank Him? He took my baby…Didn’t He? I stopped going to church. How could I pretend to be okay and praise Him after this? And How could anyone love me when I cried over being pregnant with MY OWN CHILD?
What I didn’t see until much later was what He HAD given me before I even knew I’d need it: He gave me a husband who would be the only thing bringing me back toward God.
I didn’t pray and Will didn’t push me. I cried and Will held me. And all I could say was, “Why would God take her?” And Will’s response each time was, “I don’t understand, either. But what I do know is GOD didn’t do this and it wasn’t your fault. We will see our baby again and we can ask God all our questions.” He would repeatedly remind me that God loved me and a loving God would never purposely hurt His child. Would we hurt our kids? No. So how much more does our God love us? Will constantly showed me love. He didn’t get frustrated. He didn’t tell me to suck it up. He let me be angry. He let me cry. He let me scream. He let me curse God. And He let me know I was loved. Through the love that Will gave me when I felt so unlovable, He showed me how much God loved me.
HE SHOWED ME THE LOVE OF GOD.
When we need God the most is when He feels the farthest away. He feels out of reach. We feel like He doesn’t want us or hear us or care..but, friend, he wants you and I can prove it.
John 3:16 says HE SO LOVED THE WORLD THAT HE SENT HIS ONLY SON SO WE MIGHT NEVER DIE, BUT LIVE WITH HIM IN ETERNITY.
It took me a while to see it, but He took the most horrible time in my life and used it to build my faith. He used it for GOOD. He used it for HIS GLORY even though the Devil meant it to destroy me.
Our God is bigger. And through Christ, so are you.
We will see our babies again.
Love to my loves,
Ladies, God loves you more than you could ever fathom. If you’re going through the greatest trial of your life, let people love you. Let them show you the love of God. If you feel alone, reach out. Your pastor’s wife, your neighbor, your counselor, your sister, your aunt, your grandma. And if you have no one, There are women on the internet who have been there. Find an online group on Facebook, a blogger to whom you can relate, etc. There are people whose calling it is to help women through these difficult stages of their lives. If you’re reading this and screaming, “This is me!!” EMAIL ME! I will make time to listen to you and can help you connect with people locally. Don’t be alone. You don’t have to be.